The Will of Dumbledore
by LuciousLadyLucius
Summary: Harry discovers Dumbledore's will...but what if Dumbledore was not quite the way the golden trio believed him to be... HBP spoilers and some AU joint written between LuciousLadyLucius and 5footAngel
1. Chapter 1

**The Will of Dumbledore**

**Harry ran in with tears in his emerald eyes. His heart was pounding against his sweaty chest he had been running up the stairs his greatest fears had now been completed.**

"**Harry darling what's the matter?" said the bushy haired goddess Hermione she looked like a rose blossoming into womanhood ready to sing a song (possibly Bette Midler…I dunno)**

"**Hermione…I have….some news"**

"**YOU'RE PREGNANT!" said Ron with tears in his precious blue eyes "Our dream has come true" he bawled, finally their secret passion filled nights could be out in the open yum yum.However Oz'sgirl and LuciousLadyLucius, realised men had pee pees therefore could not have babies unless the friendly stork paid them a visit therefore they abandoned this plot idea (soz)**

"**No sorry Ronnie…I have found Dumbledore's will"**

"**YOU FOUND HIS WILLY?" Seamus said thinking very wrong thoughts.**

"**No dear heart his will…"Hermione said in hope of a threesome sadly nobody was into leather and chains (apart from Mrs Norris and Faux)**

"**What does it say that could possibly make it so distressing Harry Pothead…you're not related to you-know-who are you?" Draco murmured stroking Ron's hair **

"**No…it's something worser…we have been commissioned…songs"**

**Crickets**

**PAPA SMURF LOOKED UP AND DID A YAM DANCE ( Oz'sGirl:MMmmm Seth Green**

**LuciousLadyLucius: Luuuuuciiiiussss lalaaaaaaa**

**Oz'sGirl: Now that's just wrong….anyhoo on with this tale of yore like the dusty tomes in my bedroom bwuahaha the amulet is mine as is CHOCOLATE)**

**To be continued or will it?**

**Oz'sGirl: It's like a murder mystery isn't it?**

**LuciousLadyLucius: or not…see you soon mah homies**

**Oz'sGirl: REVIEW OR I WILL BOTHER YOU Runs off say botherbotherbother…. **

**Holy yim yams !wey hey byes **


	2. Chapter 2

Harry sighed and ran his shaky palm through his luxurious black hair, his eyes shimmered with tears as Hermione read the will her 'abnormally golden, honey coloured eyes shone bright…."

"oh wow I have to tell Genevieve!" She gasped feeling vaguely aroused

**(Oz'sGirl: ewwwwwwwww this isn't femmeslash…..you perverted readers yucky**

**LuciousLadyLucius: well some people do like it…just not us…I'm pretty pro straight fics but to each their own)**

**LuciousLadyLucius: Ew holy crap no!**)

"Herm is there something you're not telling us?" Harry said shocked that his princess petal was not in love with him.

Hermione sighed.

"You perv I'm not gay…..I need to tell Ginny her song…."

**(Oz'sGirl: Getting exciting isn't it?ISN'T IT!**

**LuciousLadyLucius: No…now take your behaviour pills…you freak.)**

Ginny breathed deeply as she stepped on the stage everyone…and I mean everyone was there she opened her rosebud lips and swished her long silky fiery red hair back she opened her mouth,

Ginny:

**Doing everything that I believe in  
Going by the rules that I've been taught  
More understanding of what's around me  
And protected from the walls of love**

All that you see is me  
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try  
I've learned to love  
Be understanding  
And believe in life  
But you've got to make choices  
Be wrong or right  
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

No point in talking what you should have been  
And regretting the things that went on  
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate  
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture

And all that you see is me  
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try  
I've learned to love  
Be understanding  
And believe in life  
But you've got to make choices  
Be wrong or right  
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

All that you see is me  
All I truly believe  
All that you see is me  
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try

I've learned to love  
Be understanding  
And believe in life  
But you've got to make choices  
Be wrong or right  
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

But you've got to make choices  
Be wrong or right  
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

**Harry cringed Ginny could not to put it politely sing for …..**

"I didn't know Dumbledore liked Delta Goodrem…" Hermione whispered to an aroused Draco. Yes, Draco was aroused….so very aroused by the pretty little dandelion outside on the windowsill.yummy yummy in my tummy….WORSHIP THE DANDELIONS THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU!

Suddenly Harry turned around "Malfoy…what the £$ are you doing here, your supposed to be rehab er…sorry I mean voldedude's lair. You're on the run from the law. You killed Dumbledore-

**(LuciousLadyLucius: You see I told you there were HPB spoilers)**

**- **You belong in Azkaban

Malfoy blinked at Harry Potter, he looked a tad bemused

"Screw that" he said and continued dreaming naughty dreams about dandelions

(**Oz'sGirl: This is a teensy bit wrong…ah what the hell)**

**(LuciousLadyLucius: Okay, Draco's here but where the hell's Lucius, that the reason why I'm here)**

**(Oz'sGirl: You are sooo wrong)**

"What does the will say next Hermione" said Harry, who was not too worried that Draco was there after all he was almost as buff as Lucius

(**Oz'sGirl: LUCIOUSLADYLUCIUS!)**

**(LuciousLadyLucius: couldn't resist)**

"Next song Harry is for the Death Eaters…and here they are"

**To be continued?**

**Oz'sGirl: Yup there ya go…savour it…..good……now review…**

**LuciousLadyLucius: I'd do as she says she'll hunt you down..**

**Seth Green: Yeah I'm bound and gagged in her bedroom…**

**Oz'sGirl: HOW DID YOU ESCAPE! Chases Seth**

**LuciousLadyLucius: Look what I put up with….Now where did Lucius go**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**(Oz'sGirl: Now where did we leave off….?**

**LuciousLadyLucius: Our merry band of misfits had begun to sing….**

**Oz'sGirl: Oh yes….I see mm hhmm can't think of anything else to say!**

**LuciousLadyLucius: ¬¬ You're so dumb!**

**Oz'sGirl: MARY SUE! **

**LuciousLadyLucius: Bursts into tears and runs off **

**Seth Green: That wasn't very nice…**

**Oz'sGirl: HOW COME YOU KEEP ESCAPING! **

**Seth Green: AGGHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)**

The Death Eaters strolled, mounded with thick black cloaks and scary white masks in saying things along the line of "Avada Kedavra and "Yo man we're the death eaters"

(**LuciousLadyLucius: OMG DEATH EATERS…WOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWHOTOOTTTSMOKINGBUFFNESS)**

**(Ox'sGirl: Anyhoo)**

Draco eyed the Death Eaters excitedly, his obsession with daffodils was ancient history…Hermione was quite happy about that. Draco's blue grey eyes danced with joy

"Daddy Darling, How are you?" he sang to the tune of Sound of Music…or was it Mary Poppins? Ah something with Julie Andrews

Lucius took down his hood to reveal his shiny white blond hair and cold gray eyes. "Yo homies, Hey mah son Draco wassup

**(LuciousLadyLucius: OMG I LOVE YOU)**

"Fine Daddums…How are you? have you got over your yam obsession yet? No I didn't think so…no really how is life?" Draco said in a very Molly Weasley kind of way

(**Oz'sGirl: Eugh)**

Lucius looked very miserable for a hot sexy death eater/rapper

"Life is piss taking man"

"Yeah" said Rudolphus "It's always about bloody Voldedude…what about us"

"Well its because I'm the lead singer of my band" said Voldemort

Harry was terrified and fainted

The music played and Voldemort began to rap

**"My Band"**

_Intro_  
I don't know dude...  
I think everyone's all jealous and shit cuz I'm like the lead singer of a band dude...  
And I think everyone's got a fuckin problem with me dude...  
And they need to take it up with me after the show...  
Because...

_Chorus_  
These chicks don't even know the name of my band...  
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands...  
Cuz once I blow they know that i'll be the man...  
All because I'm the lead singer of my band...

_Verse 1 - Voldemort_  
So I get off stage right and drop the mic  
Walk up to the hot chicks and I'm all like  
"Sup ladies, my name's VoldeBaby.  
**I'm the lead singer in DE baby"  
They're all like "Oh my god it's him"  
"Becky oh my fuckin' god it's Voldemort"  
"I swear to fuckin god dude you fuckin rock"  
"Please Tom Riddle please let me suck your cock"  
And by now the rest of the fellas get jealous  
Especially when I drop the beat and do my acapellas  
All the chicks start yellin', all the hot babes  
Throw their bras and their shirt and their panties on stage  
So like every single night they pick a fight with me  
But when we fight it's kinda like sibling rivalry  
Cuz they're back on stage the next night with me  
Dude I just think you're tryna steal the light from me  
Yesterday Lucius tried to pull a knife on me  
Cause I told him Cissy is my wife to be  
This dark lord shit, it's the life for me  
And all the other guys just despise me because**

_Chorus_  
These chicks don't even know the name of my band...  
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands...  
Cuz once I blow they know that i'll be the man...  
All because I'm the lead singer of my band...  
My band _x6_  
Roxanne  
My band _x2_

_Verse 2 - Snape_  
You just wanna see a nigga backwards don't you  
Hey dad how come we don't rap on Protools  
Smash these vocals and do a performance  
But we in the van and he in a tour bus  
You don't want my autograph, yous a liar  
And no I'm Snape (oh I thought you was Dolphus)  
What the hell is wrong with that dressing room  
Cuz my shit is lookin smaller than a decimal  
See I know how to rap, see it's simple but  
All I did was read a Russell Simmons book  
So I'm more intact, tryna get on the map  
Doin' jumpin jacks whilin' get whipped on my back

_Chorus_  
These chicks don't even know the name of my band...  
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands...  
Cuz once I blow they know that i'll be the man...  
All because I'm the lead singer of my band...  


**Verse 4: Goyle  
They say the lead singers rock, but the group does not  
Once we sold out arenas to the amusement park  
I'm gonna let the world know that proof is hot  
I should cut his mic off when the musics starts  
Ready to snap on a dumbass fan  
Every time i hear (Hey dude I love your band)  
We ain't a band bitch we don't play instruments  
So why he get 90 and we only get 10 percent  
And these guys they can find every area code  
Vold Proof carry my bag)  
Bitch carry your own  
Can't make it to the stage, security in my way  
(Who the fuck are you? Where's Lucius and Crabbe!)**

_Verse 5 - Bellatrix_  
Goddammit I'm sick of this group  
Time for me to go solo and make some loot  
I told you I made the beats and wrote all the raps  
Till Rudolphus slipped me some crack  
Lose Yourself video I was in the back  
Superman video I was in the back  
Fuck the media, I got some suggestions  
Fuck Marshall, ask us the questions  
Like who's DE, how we get started  
(What about Voldemort?)  
Bitch, are you retarded?  
Anyway I'm the popularest girl in the group  
Big ass stomach, wizards think I'm cute (hey sexy)  
Merlin told me to do situps to get buff  
I did two and a half and then I couldn't get up  
Fuck DE, I'm outta this band  
I'm gonna start a group with the real Roxanne

_ Voldemort as a salsa singer_  
I'm the lead singer of my band, I get all the girl's to take off their underpants  
And the lead singer of my band, Avada  
Makes all the pretty girl's wan to dance  
Avada, look out for my next single, it's called Avada...  
Avada, Vada, Vada, Vada, Avada  
Makes all the pretty girls wan to dance  
And take off their underpants  
Avada makes all the pretty girls wan to dance  
And take off their underpants, Avada  
(Where'd everybody go?)

**(LuciousLadyLucius: Wow that was sooo amazing I love it wow yes yes sing it again)**

**(Oz'sGirl: Rap…meh)**

**(Seth Green: LET ME OUT)**

**(Oz'sGirl: SHADDUP!)**

Eminem suddenly ran in

"Yo man that's my music"

**(LuciousLadyLucius quickly kidnaps Eminem for 2 reasons. 1. Because in claiming his copy right for the song, he might just hurt Lucius' feelings **

**and**

**2. Because her sister will kill her if she doesn't **

**Just so's you know)**

Bellatrix flicked her black hair into Rudolphus' face

"Naturally I was the best"

Lucius decided not to argue because he knew he was better than Bella and knew better than to cross her.

"I'm going to get Draco and Hermione together just like in the fanfictions" said Lucius while doing a Russian dance

**(Oz'sGirl + LuciousLadyLucius: This is a bloody fanfiction)**

"No its not…its just a flesh wound"

**Oz'sGirl: Sorry Lucius is spazzing…I think it's a technical error…well readers while LuciousLadyLucius fixes him up…ew…I think we'd better move on…TOODOOLOOO OH SPIRITS OF THE MOUNTAIN DAWN OF SPANGLYDOODAA AND MOSS)**

Hagrid then stepped on stage, there was a stunned silence as the gigantic dream boat, love god that was Hagrid entered the stage…

**(LuciousLadyLucius: WHAT.THE.HELL? **

**(Oz'sGirl: eeeewwww he's no Don Juan DeMarco….)**

"Erm I 'ave a song to sing for Dumbledore…..Great man…." As soon as Hagrid opened his gigantic mouth that you could fit a 1000 sharks in

**(Oz'sGirl: That's another story…)**

Harry who obtained the strength of 190000000000000000000 bunnehs tackled him. The audience thankful that they wouldn't have to listen to Hagrid's warbling, applauded. Harry smiled and straightened his glasses, Hermione was aroused…but what's new?

"Hem Hem, I have a speech" (

**LuciousLadyLucius: OMIGOD WHY HAVE YOU MADE HARRY LIKE SCUMBRIDGE ! I KEEEL YOU!)**

**(Oz'sGirl: Ack!)**

The audience groaned at the thought of having to listen to along teary speech, ( LuciousLadyLucius: well Harry did have a lot to upset about…

Oz'sGirl: but I can burp the alphabet!

**LuciousLadyLucius: What?)**

Harry cleared his throat.

"Dumbledore was a great man….great man that's all I can say, great teacher, great wizard, great philosopher, great beard…good guitarist…" And with that Harry launched into song accompanied by Mrs Norris on the piano and Fawkes on rhythm guitar…

Harry:

**Spring was never waiting for us, girl  
It ran one step ahead  
As we followed in the dance  
Between the parted pages and were pressed   
In love's hot, fevered iron  
Like a striped pair of pants **

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark  
All the sweet, green icing flowing down  
Someone left the cake out in the rain  
I don't think that I can take it  
'Cause it took so long to bake it   
And I'll never have that recipe again  
Oh, no!

I recall the yellow cotton dress  
Foaming like a wave  
On the ground around your knees  
The birds, like tender babies in your hands  
And the old men playing checkers by the trees

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark  
All the sweet, green icing flowing down  
Someone left the cake out in the rain  
I don't think that I can take it  
'Cause it took so long to bake it  
And I'll never have that recipe again  
Oh, no!

break

There will be another song for me  
For I will sing it  
There will be another dream for me  
Someone will bring it  
I will drink the wine while it is warm  
And never let you catch me looking at the sun  
And after all the loves of my life  
After all the loves of my life  
You'll still be the one

I will take my life into my hands and I will use it  
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it  
I will have the things that I desire  
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky  
And after all the loves of my life  
After all the loves of my life  
I'll be thinking of you  
And wondering why ?

There was a moment of unpleasant silence amongst the audience. The Hogwarts students and death eaters alike sat with their arms around each other, their eyes watering with enough tears to flood the Mississippi. Voldemort stood up

"I miss Dumbledore" he bawled allowing the tears to spread down his face. Harry patted his shoulder comfortingly

"I know…we all do"

**(LuciousLadyLucius: Um…Oz'sGirl…isn't that the song from the Potter Puppet Pals website?)**

**(Oz'sGirl: Um cough it er might be)**

**(Seth Green: Copyri- Oz'sGirl quickly gags Seth)**

**(LuciousLadyLucius: I wonder what will happen next chapter?)**

**(Oz'sGirl: Oh…Harry will read the will and find out that Ron shall be singing ….)**

**LuciousLadyLucius: Shaddup…don't tell the readers…well as that pig guy from Warner Bros Says…**

**THAT'S ALL FOLKS)**

**(Oz'sGirl: well technically we're writing another chapter but anyhoo….toodles)**

**(Seth Green: Mmmf Mmmf)**


End file.
